Back in Dubai I got back into the swing of work pretty quickly and there had been no communication between Dave and I since leaving New Zealand, that was to be expected given how things ended and despite how the summer had ended I could look back on the summer and remember it as mostly a beautiful time.
All was well until a few weeks later I started feeling ‘off’ and i struggled to stay up working late in the night as I was so tired come the afternoons. I ploughed on with work and after 2 weeks of not feeling any better I came across a spare unopened pregnancy test that I had from back in New Zealand and even though I knew there was no way i could be i decided to take the test. I set it aside in the bathroom and made the decision I would take it after work. That day i struggled to focus at work in knowing what awaited me at home. Surely I couldn’t be! How could that even physically be possible? I had a miscarriage! If I am, what will happen to me, would i be fired? Or worse arrested? I was petrified!
When I got home that afternoon I procrastinated for an hour or two freaking myself out and crying. Shakingly I decided to just take the test…. those minutes of waiting seemed like a lifetime and eventually two lines…. PREGNANT!
At that moment i remember jumping with excitement yet cried with anxiety. I was so excited, happy, confused, nervous and scared all at the same time. At that moment I had no idea what to do, I was even nervous to google anything on what happens to unmarried pregnant women in the UAE in case my phone connection was monitored. Looking back I can see how that paranoia would seem crazy but as an ex pact I had heard the horror stories. I wont lie I was so scared of being imprisoned I didnt sleep that night.
The next morning I went straight to my bosses office and told him. He was excited for me as I cried, then he clicked… ohhh we’re in Dubai. That is an issue. But dont worry, you cant tell anyone but you can stay as long as you want.
Those words lifted the heavy weight i felt on my shoulders. That is what I needed to hear. As difficult as it was going to be to not shout my happy news off the roof of the school building, like I wanted to, that is when being excited because my secret. Not my best kept secret I may add as I ended up telling a small group of friends so I had some sort of support over there- but for the most part I told no one.
This was so hard as I always thought Id be that pregnant chic that would share every scar photo with every social media site, but due to my circumstances that just wasn’t possible. What else wasnt possible was for me to go see a dr anywhere in the whole region. So a month after this positive test I flew to see a gynecologist in Barcelona, Spain whilst there at a teachers conference.
She confirmed I was pregnant I asked her how and her theory is that I originally was carrying twins and had miscarried one but not the other. This baby became my silenced miracle.
On return from Spain with the confirmation my boss told me he had an easy solution. I go back to New Zealand and marry Dave and then I could just stay in Dubai and have baby and all would be fine. For a while I agreed and made the arrangements to be married to someone I wasnt even with! crazy? Nah! Well at the time of flying back to NZ for the registry office wedding I didnt think so, but in the last hour I realised it was and flew back to Dubai unmarried.
In the end I managed to work and live in Dubai pregnant yet undetected for 6 months. Sure it was risky, I needed to travel to Europe or New Zealand for scans and I had let those privy to my circumstance make sure no matter what I was not to be taken to a hospital. To be extra safe I gave up driving myself and instead took a lift or ubers everywhere. I never brought a single baby item incase someone saw. And many times I vomited into my coffee cup to cover the constant morning sickness that would catch up with me right at those times I was standing in front of 20 or so students. It was difficult to not touch my stomach when I first felt him move but within my apartments four walls I would make up for it by holding my stomach, talking, singing and reading to baby. I was excited and when I first contacted Dave to tell him I was in fact pregnant to him, he too was happy. Well thats what he said.
For those first 6 months of my pregnancy I did alot of covering up and hiding of my happiness. The day I left Dubai I left alot of wonderful people/ colleagues in the dark as to why i was leaving. I left my amazing students who had come to believe I was dying…. teenagers- assume the worst. As hard as it was to leave there I was just so excited to move back home- tell the world I was about to have a baby by the time I had landed I had my post ready to announce to the facebook world…
Māmā life 