Life back in New Zealand was exactly what I needed it to be… chilled, laxed and calm. For the first few weeks i started buying things and just getting room sorted for my son who was to come in 3 months.
Things were bliss for a short moment. However within a month I started having complications with babies growth and my bodies ability to give baby what he needed to grow. This was a mixture of blood pressure issues, my placenta and my leaking of protein. So the due date became earlier and earlier to ensure a safe delivery. This made me extremely anxious as I had banked on those last 3 months to have time to not only physically prepare for son but also to mentally prepare for the fact that I was to be a mama. But instead my time last semester of pregnancy was spent every second day going into hospital for bloods, urine tests, scans and monitoring. Then I would need to wait for the results to say whether I would be able to go home that night or stay in for monitoring. It was alot but it didnt matter as all that did matter was that my baby was ok.
So around 36 weeks I was booked in to be induced within that month. I was told son would be small but would be healthy enough and shouldn’t need scabu. My sister and sister in law threw me an earlier baby shower than was planned and it was so lovely. I had set the room up, washed and hung up all his clothes and packed my bag for the hospital. Most importantly I had my ‘how to be a mama’ books all ready to go for my waiting time at the hospital.
On the morning of my induction day the ribbon with the hormone on it was inserted to kick start the procedure… I was explained how the procedure would take about 3 days and that once the labour was in full motion I would be given an epidural. Until then it was a waiting game. This was all fine with me as I had books to read anyway hahaha.
A few hours of monitoring and they decided to do an internal check to check the cervix. The dr confirmed that this labour would not be happening any day soon and to just rest up. So my family left, I let my midwife know and I got to reading my books. A few pages in and Dave shows up, I let him know how baby wouldnt be here for a few days but he insisted to stay, so he did.
Later that evening, I started to feel something… like niggles I guess but I wasnt sure. I messaged my mum that reassured me that if i was in labour it would be alot more than niggles I was feeling. So I ignored the feeling and decided to rest instead.
A few hours later a nurse came in and I told her the slight uncomfortableness I was feeling and she asked me my pain threshold on a scale of 1-10. I said a 2 or 3, but that there was some pain. She in a snarky way told me I was not in labour and that I probably wasnt even in pre labour. I wont lie, I felt pretty stupid and embarrassed as it was obvious she thought I was just being a drama queen. So i decided to just get ready for bed and stop bothering the nurses with my uncomfortableness.
Within the hour I needed to unhook myself from the baby heart monitor as I had this urge to go toilet. Whist i was on there I felt uneasy and then i felt the ribbon come out. I made my way back to the bed and asked Dave to let the nurse know what had happened. They came and explained how that can happen sometimes and that the dr will come back in the morning and replace it. I was disappointed as now i had to start this whole procedure again tomorrow. I let them know that I was still uncomfortable and how the heart monitor kept loosing baby and it required me to keep moving it around. The nurse seemed annoyed at me and said fine we will do another internal check and then IF I am dilated enough they can put a monitor inside me to monitor me so I could sleep. I thanked them as they started the check.
Within seconds the nurse checks and then pushes the emergency button, she puts the stirrups up on the side of the bed and says that baby’s head is right here and he is distressed and I need to get him out straight away. I was frightened, how could this be? I wasn’t even in labour or pre labour. I go to start to cry but the nurse tells me to stop and just push. I tell dave to ring my parents and tell them I need them. I push twice and then hear baby cry, third push and the placenta was out. No epidural, no midwife, no parents but a few nurses, me and Dave and now our baby! It was a whirlwind… within 20mins I went from being told i was not in labour to having my healthy son in my arms.
When my parents waltz in 10 minutes later thinking they were just coming in to see me, to instead being greeted by their grandson- they were shocked. I remember saying- “he just came out”. It was a whirlwind but I was just thankful he was ok and he was… the healthiest and most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. I feel in love immediately.
The next few days was a mixture of quiet bonding time with our son, learning how to feed him and just be a mum along with many visitors and the retelling of the crazy birth story.
A few days later I was ready to go home, I wont lie I was not happy with how the birth went. I felt frustrated that nobody had listened to me when i tried to tell them I had pain. I felt bad that because of that my parents and my grandmother missed the birth that they had looked forward to and I wanted them there also. I guess i just felt unvalidated with that whole process but I had to put that aside and focus on my son and us being a little family.
Dave excited drove us back to my parents that day and it felt amazing to be home and in my own surroundings. I was excited and happy to start our own little routines in our home. I was nervous as those books on motherhood i had taken with me to the hospital came back with all but one unread. But that didnt matter now, i felt ok knowing that at nights my family would be home to help and guide me and in the day Dave would come out and we could perfect parenting together. However, that reality was not to be, instead Dave dropped us off, insisted hed be back in a few hours and never drove back into our driveway again. It would actually be a few months later until I even heard from him again and 4 months later until we saw him again.
Māmā life 