Well theres no point leaving you in suspense, the given reason behind Daves disappearing act? He had been busy celebrating the birth of his new son. Now now I know what your thinking, because yes it was exactly what I thought when i was finally given a reason… Celebrating for four months? The answer- Yes! Turns out Nikaus father and his family loved having a reason to celebrate and this was a great reason- Nikau had been born.
Sorry guys I wish I had more or a valid reason to give you, geeze I wish I had been given a more validated reason for myself, for my sanity and most importantly- for my son. But no, that was that. It turns out Son and I came with responsibilities that Dave wasn’t wanting in his life and instead he wanted to live life as he choose, doing what he wanted and when he wanted.
So in the meantime, Im not going to sugar coat it. I struggled and fumbled my way into mama life and at times felt on top of the world and at other times felt at the bottom of the world. I made friends with other mama who would make me feel more, well ‘normal’ i guess with all the new encounters I was coming across on this new journey, which was comforting. But it was still hard.
A big part of why it was difficult was because of sleep. Well more so the lack of sleep. I mean people tell you that when you have a baby you hardly sleep, but hey I had pulled many all nighters in my university days so I thought I knew what no sleep was, but boy was I wrong!. Pulling an all nighter here and there was nothing like feeling you had pulled an all nighter for months on end. This was a whole new level of tired. Actually it was a whole new level of everything. Needless to say it was overwhelming. Overwhelming in the sense of loving something or someone moreso then you ever loved someone before. But also scary overwhelming with the pressures of being responsible, solely responsible for this love and this human who is now your everything. It was alot.
There was also this naivety of thinking your professional skills could and would transfer to this new role of motherhood. However, none of the skills I had built in my 8 or so years of teaching had prepared me for mama hood. Nope, I didn’t feel like I was succeeding, I was no longer ticking the boxes and as someone who was always punctual, I was now never on time. These realities needed addressing and at around Nikau being 5 months old I sought help from a Psychologist.
As scared as I was to admit that I may have Post natal depression I was also aware that I needed help adjusting to this new life and I knew that I wanted to be in the best mind space I could be in for my son. He needed and deserves the best mum possible- so accepting help through group therapy is what I did. And it helped me immensely. Don’t get me wrong, group sessions were heavy and in the early weeks I dreaded going but the skills I learnt on self care, communication and bonding built my confidence and calmed my feelings of being overwhelmed. The other mothers within group I met and formed relationships with were integral to my progress as we pushed through the journey together and we got there.
Now over 8 months later these same women are all so happy and are beautiful mothers!
Im so very glad I reached out for help, that I didn’t pretend I was coping and that I was vulnerable to open up and admit my struggles.
If theres one thing I can tell any mothers reading this that feels overwhelmed or unsteady…. tell someone, reach out, find an organisation to help you because mama life is tricky to navigate and so building your little toolbox of tricks is a must.
Now with Nikau being 14 months old it is that toolbox that has seen me through struggles with breastfeeding, regular issues with Nikaus father, navigating work and mama life and Nikau having 8 hospital admissions to date with respiratory issues. So yes that toolbox has been well used but one that Il always have with me now on this journey.
Mamas this is a tough gig, but then there are those times that make it all worth it. Those times that only you notice, those ahhh moments when you and your baby connect on a whole new level that make the world stop and you just so happy. I know you all have those moments. When you feel so connected you feel a tear form in your eye. Those are the moments that get us, those are the times you feel accomplished, those are the times that make you feel a million dollors and those are the special moments I hope Nikau remembers as he grows.
Māmā life 