Being a mama in general is a challenge and a half each day. But being mama to a sick baby is a whole other level. Nikau’s health was perfect up until he was 7 months old. From then on he has had constant issues with his lungs and our hospital admissions is currently sitting on 8 in the last 9 months.
The first time he got sick it came on so fast. He was fine in the morning, running nose a few hours later and cough a few hours after that. Then all downhill- vomiting, diarrhea, off his food and milk and the scariest symptom of all- struggling to breathe. It was there I took him straight to the hospital and he was admitted into ICU. Those days in there connected to the heart monitor and breathing machine seemed like an eternity. To watch your baby laying there so weak and fragile is a grueling feeling of sadness, uselessness and guilt. The million questions of- could i have done something different to prevent this? Or was it because of something i did or didn’t do go over and over in your mind drowning the sounds of the hospital room and keep you awake for days straight by your baby’s side. My heart broke for son and all that mattered was that he get better. Up there in ICU you loose track of days and time and as thankful you are that visitors come to see baby and support you, I also had a overwhelming sense of shame that my son had ended up in there and in that state. After a few days of Nikau relying on the machines to breathe for him he slowly regained his strength and eventually he was transferred back to the childrens ward for 4 more days. It was and is a tough gig being a mama at a hospital bedside. You sit or stand hunched over to your pepi. You have to juggle toilet visits to when baby is asleep and in between dr and nurses check ins. You need to keep your energy and strength up for when bubba gets better and has that energy again for you to keep up. All these important tips that as a first time mama with a sick baby you dont know in the start. But after 8 admissions you get to know all the tricks of the trade. Like what signals of struggled breathing to look for, to always go with a packed bag for you and baby for atleast a week as that is how long you are usually there for, to know what to pack, to know what to say and ask of the hospital staff and to not rush to be discharged for your own sake but accept that when baby is sick- the hospital is the best place for him.
Don’t get my wrong I still struggle with letting extended whanau know when Nikau is sick as every time he got sick I was overwhelmed with guilt that I was to blame but I think that comes with the nature of being a mama. But the balance between letting him play around other kids or outside and keeping him healthy is hard. And some months saw us admitted twice in one month and other months with no admissions. Its a tricky one.
Having a Bronchiolitis baby you come to realise how common it is and how for some babies they are just unlucky and it is reoccurring but you learn to dress your little one in wool and feed them kai packed with antioxidants to try and boost their immune systems. You make the most of sunny days outside and spend cold and windy days doing in door activities. For me its part of Nikau mama life now and if he does end up asthmatic as they suspect he will that will also be part of Nikau’s journey and we will learn to manage that also as being a mama requires such resilience and perseverance and in time the rollercoaster of mamahood will be just as windy but wont seem so scary or bumpy. Agghhhh the joys of this life… I swear I tell every mama I have met, this is a job like Ive never had before! Haha its a challenge and a half everyday but hey we get through it. Mama truly are super human!!!
Māmā life 