To blog or not to blog

Two days ago I decided to create a blog site- if thats what its called. I had, actually still have no idea what a blog really is and googling “what is a blog” hasn’t made it any clearer, but all I know is that I feel I have a story to tell so I will tell it.

As my first blog of what I hope will be a few, I think I should start by giving some background of myself and my blog. Im Bee and am a 33 year old Maori wahine who up until Feb 2018 lived and taught overseas in International schools teaching in the International Baccaulaureate curriculum . I taught Psychology and a bit of History, Philosophy and general social science. I felt blessed in that I could combine my two passions of teaching Psychology and travel by teaching overseas. Since 2016 I had been teaching in a private international school in Dubai which although was very cut throat and demanding in comparison to teaching in New Zealand, I thrived on that environment and it enabled me to be the best teacher I have ever been in my nearly 10 year career. I have always been career driven and not afraid to take risks in life.

Fast forward to Sep 2017, I had just been back in New Zealand during my summer months off work and I had just spent the most amazing summer with Dave, travelling to the tip of the North Island and having little mini trips in other beautiful parts of New Zealand. Dave was a friend of a friend bad boy as such who wasn’t a guy Id typically go for as such but we had communicated quite a bit since me moving overseas so we had become quite close. We laughed and had fun time and as much as I cared for him I also had decided that I didn’t see anything continuing after this holiday as we both lived very different lives, had very different values and he had no intention to ever want to live overseas- so that I guessed sealed the deal that this was nothing more than a summer fling which I was happy with.

One week before I was to leave New Zealand to head back to Dubai to start another academic year of teaching I had a grave feeling I was pregnant. I went to the Drs to have a blood test taken and a few days later the Dr called me to say I was pregnant. I was shocked, upset, excited, disappointed, nervous and anxious on what I should do, figuring I needed to fly back to a country in 4 days time that traditionally doesn’t accept unmarried pregnant women and whose country is very patriarchal. I spoke with my parents who were not impressed as I had made a lot of effort to be where I was in my career and it seemed I was now throwing that away. In a sense I felt that same disappointment but also I wanted to be a mum, I felt the time was right to be a mum and after the birth of my nephew a year prior, I was clucky and wanted to have a baby of my own. I spoke to Dave and he was excited, although he already had 3 sons to a previous relationship he was excited to be a father again and with me, that made me feel a bit more at ease. I had a lot to think about and decide- Have this baby and throw my job in, or consider aborting and continuing my ladder climbing career.

The next day everything feel to custard. I went to bed not feeling the best but didn’t want to kill the vibe to Daves drinks he was having to celebrate me being pregnant so I went off to bed alone. In the early hours of the morning I felt tight pains and was bleeding, but not like normal period bleeding, but painful, clot-like bleeding. Dave was drunk and in no position to drive so I drove myself to the Drs to find out that I had in fact had a miscarriage and then I drove myself back to my parents where I stayed in bed distraught, in pain and upset for the day. To top things off Dave did not contact me all day despite me calling and leaving him messages to update him. I ended up leaving him a messaging saying that I had lost the baby and needed his support- To which he didn’t show up at my parents or didn’t respond. It was at that moment I realised that although this hurt right now, that all this had happened for a reason and maybe it wasn’t my time to be a mama and that this was the universe telling me that Dave is absolutely not the man for me and it wasn’t my time to start a family. The next day I broke up with Dave, wiped my tears and packed my stuff ready to go back to Dubai stronger and knowing that one day the time will come for me to finally be a mama.

Two days later I flew back to Dubai to start the new school year, However this would not be the end to this story….. x B